Chapter 5 Ms Spirituality

I have an uncle who said he use to not go to church because of all the hypocrits. My daddy's response was church is where hypocrits belong along with sinners of all other sorts. I think sometimes we get distracted and make calls about someone else and their behaviors when in reality their actions and attitudes really aren't any of my business. As I tell my girlfriend, "If it aint' yo' baby to rock, then don't rock it," and someone else's intimacy with God ain't my baby to rock, that is God's and that persons. When I go to church, when I go to worship, when I go to lead, I am responsible for me and what is in my heart and what my life is reflecting. Am I responsible for encouraging others in their Christian walk? Am I responsible for sharing God's love to others? Am I responsible for inviting others to church or lead them to God? Of course. But it is not my responsibility to judge whether or not they are where they are suppose to be spiritually.

I have to have faith that God is on His throne and is in control. Currently, there is a lady I know who is preventing the work of God being done even though she tries to appear righteous and spiritual. To the contrary, she's divisive and manipulative. Those who put on a spiritual cloak appear to be hiding things, and it my nature and what I do for a living (to investigate) to see to the heart of a matter. But this isn't my baby to rock. It's God's. My responsibility -- pray. Pray for her. Pray for her pastor.


For me this chapter is more about self-reflection, what are my motives for doing, for serving? It's about what I can testify to in my life showing that God is actively participating in it. It's about the depth of my faith and the roots or source of it. If I can't say that God has done something recently in my life and what I learned from it or how I grew from it, I need to ask myself "Why?" I feel my first place of service and ministry is in my home, and I have to say I struggle. There are just times I want to commence with the "laying on of the hands" :> when I'm dealing with my children as opposed to doing what is best for them in the long haul and parenting creatively. (My sister and I also use the "Rapture and Transformation" form of discipline when we are out in public. Our children are raptured to another room for the transformation of their behavior!) I'm not always the supportive and encouraging spouse. I know I'm not anywhere close to perfect and this is where my flaws are most evident. Thankfully, my heavenly Father is patient and kind and forgiving, and my family knows that I make mistakes and that I can apologize and learn from mistakes.

Ministry outside my home is easy for me -- I know my motives are right and it is truly with a servant heart that I do them, but the ministry in my home can be quite tedious and tiresome. I don't want to have the appearance of Ms. Spirituality. I want my children and husband to see my depth, my love, my devotion on a daily basis.

But the bottom line for spirituality is the relationship. How is my relationship with Jesus? Mine is a work in progress. I'm thankful He's patient and consistent and faithful -- all things I struggle with in my relationship with Him.

In my prior blog titled "Be" talks a lot more about the different faces and the art of just being. Being who God wants us to be day in and day out...and more than appearing spiritual, this is who I want to be.

Victorious Secret

Since I have been off work for four weeks recovering, I have learned a few things. I learned how to manipulate through Facebook, started blogging, participated in a Bible study/book study online, created a website for my husband's business, prepared thank you notes for flowers sent to my Grandmother's funeral, and have started driving. These four have been rejunivating. I think everyone should have a sebatical periodically. My goal is to work on the house a little so I can scrapbook a little next week without guilt. I still have to pace myself and rest during frequent breaks, but being at home during the day by myself has been quite fulfilling...like a mini-vacation.

I also started working on material for a women's ministry weekend called Victorious Secret based on women putting on the armor of God. As of right now, I have nine possible groups for women to rotate between. They are the following based on Ephesians 6:10-18:

1. Strengthening the Core -- Spanx and Girdles. Some women choose to exercise their faith and find their source of strength in God while others would rather play the tug-of-war with a Spanx or Girdle in order to contain the excess and smoothe out the areas we don't want others to see. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 is totally opposite of what women are told to do in order to be strong.
2. Gravity Issues -- Grave issues affecting our lives and families -- Cross Your Heart Bra. There are things entering into our homes and workplaces that we have allowed and they are straight from the devil. For we fight against principalities...how many of us have dealt with or know someone who has dealt with infidelity, poor self-esteem, pornography, financial difficulties, complacency in our spiritual growth or lack there of, dysfunctional relationships. So, where do we find the support we need? How do we fight against these things?
3. Weathering the Storms -- Standing your Ground -- Trench Coat and Umbrella. Endurance. What battles do we choose to fight? It's okay to say "no." Steele Magnolias come to mind. And we have to do all of this while under God's umbrella protection.
4. Belt of Truth -- Accessories -- I may use the Behind Those Eyes book as the background for this room.
5. Breastplate of Righteousness -- Bras -- coverage, sizes, fitting, etc. Afterall, what does the breastplate do? Protects the heart. So how do you protect the heart every day? Quiet time. This will be a "How To" class.
6. Shoes -- Gospel of Peace -- stilettos, combat boots, house slippers, sneakers. Nothing sounds like peace like a warm, fuzzy pair of slippers.
7. Shield of faith to extinguish the flames -- What can a woman protect herself with? A bag of course. What's in your bag? Is your faith the size of a clutch or one of those big-momma bags? It only take the size of a mustard size to move mountains.
8. Helmet of salvation -- Different Hats -- What's its purpose? Fire insurance only -- then any old hat will do? Salvation is the beginning of the relationship with Christ Jesus. The helmet is to protect the head where our thought-life occurs.
9. Knee pads -- prayer. Like compression hose, knee pads just are not fashionable. But knee pads aren't meant to be fashionable, they are meant to be worn as protection.

I have an outline of two skits. One to kick off the weekend, and one for the Sunday morning Sunday school class of all women in the church. Just a hint on this one, I'll have someone dressed incorrectly -- a rather large bra on backwards under clothes, maybe some underwear on the outside of the pants, spanx around the knees. A sales person makes a fuss of the mess this woman is and issues her into the changing closet while the sales person reviews the lessons learned. When the woman reappears correctly dressed, she will talk Victorious Secret -- are you wearing your faith for others to see or underneath? Are you improperly wearing your armor? After all armor is worn on the outside one's clothing and God is to be our armor. This speaker will talk about applying these lessons to victorious living -- peace, strength, prayer, faith, righteousness.

This is just a touch of what I have laid out. I still have to clean up the class concepts before I present my proposal to my worship pastor. I want this to be a fun time for women with laughter and fellowship, so some of it may be very tongue-in-cheek, but I also want it to be well-worth their time.

The Thief of Joy

Yesterday, I finished my blog about joy among other topics, and Satan didn't wait long to try to take my focus of the source of joy. My husband had a friend who told him he could have some product at his camp house, and my husband and his partner went down to pick it up. As they were picking up the sample, the deputies arrived and said they were arresting them for theft and the my husband's "friend" was going to press charges for the misdemeanor. The "friend" of numerous years whom we helped get on his feet after a devestating fire and no insurance, the "friend" who was in our wedding 14 years ago, and Patrick was in the "friend's" wedding a few years ago really has a beef with Patrick's brother but instead of dealing with Phillip has continually put my husband in the middle of it. My husband felt he could still be friends with him even though the "friend" was having difficulties with Phillip. It broke my husband's heart, a sucker punch to the gut. The "friend's" wife is also our 4 year-old's teacher at school.

But God's timing is perfect as always. The quiet time today was about God being our defender and forgiving. My husband was raised to be vendictive and to hold onto grudges. This is going to be a big step for him to allow God to handle the situation instead of taking revenge himself. I have assured his the God's vengence and discipline is better than anything that Patrick could dole out.

It was a stressful night around here, but the light of day brings a new perspective, and while things didn't get better overnight, I reminded him that God's timing is perfect. We are to conduct ourselves in a godly fashion regardless of how others behave. I have no doubt it will all get straightened out and the misdemeanor will be dismissed.

Satan will use anything he can to distract us from seeking God and having joy.

Words are easy to say. Like I said the book is very simply stated and easy to read and understand, it's the living it, the applying it that is the difficult part.

Chapter 4 Ms Happiness in Behind Those Eyes

My friend Lee read my blog titled "BE," and suggested I join a book group/Bible study group that met online. Since I'm off work recovering from a partial hysterectomy and am not suppose to be doing a lot which goes against the very grain of who I am, I thought this was a wise suggestion. The book is Behind Those Eye. As I began reading the book, I was struck by its simplicity and lack of depth, but knew it would hit a lot of women between the eyes. It's in the simpleness and keeping things straightforward that people can relate on whatever level they need to. Chapter 2 on perfection is something I had to deal with a while back. My mother was and is a perfectionist. You can look at her and see it. Every hair beautifully laid in place. Her clothes always tasteful. Her makeup becoming, and she always looked calm, cool and collected on the outside. My daddy describes his mother in a similar fashion. He said my grandmother looked smoothe and calm on the surface, but she was paddling like the dickens below. As for me, I didn't get that gene. I can't even appear to be perfect or to be in control. I was diagnosed as being ADHD in junior high before it was the thing to diagnose a kid with and since then trying to control an imperfect, impetuous body was more than a full-time job. My body didn't cooperate when my husband and I wanted to start a family, and if I can't control the internal workings of my own body, I am under no illusion that I could be controlled enough to even strive for perfection. SO, I strive to do my best for His good and His gain, and that has made all the difference in the world.

Chapter 3 is titled Ms Confidence. I really enjoyed page 52 showing the difference between a strong woman and a woman of strength. Since I was in high school, maybe even junior high, I chose Phillipians 4:13, as my life verse. I have always been confident -- consider it part of my personality, my upbringing where my parents encouraged me and praised me when I tried my best, my temperament, etc. I know where my strength comes from and where my value comes from thanks to my godly upbringing. I didn't seek nor needed the approval of my peers as much as others. If a group of kids were doing things I didn't like, I'd go find another group to join. Both of my parents gave me attention and showed me God's love. I was and am very blessed.

Chapter 4 is title Ms Happiness. When my husband and I were filling out paperwork and completing our Dear Birth Parent letters during the adoption processes to adopt our two children, I put that my favorite sound is the sound of laughter. And when my kids get to belly laughing, it is infectious, and I can't help but smile and laugh too. But it never fails before it's all said and done and the evening is over someone has hit someone or there's been an accident and the laughter has turned to tears. Happiness is fleeting and it's circumstantial. Joy, on the other hand, has depth and longevity because its source never changes and never fails.

When I see a Ms Happiness, the cynic in me wonders, "What kind of drugs is she on? It must be the good stuff." hee,hee,hee. I was glad to read the author dispelling society's lies such as, "You can make yourself happy," "someone you love can make you happy," and "something you have or do can make you happy." In all honesty, I am typically a happy, joyful, optimistic person who can find humor in most things. Finding humor is something I learned from my family, and it has served me well. But there was a time I battled depression.

After six months of failed fertility treatments, a failed adoption, and constantly searching for what God had been promising me, I felt like God wasn't listening. Have you ever heard the saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees"? That is where I was. In March of 2000, I went to a women's retreat and listened to Debby Stuart say, "If you are grasping so hard to the things that you think are good, then you can't have your hands open palms up in order to receive God's best."

Shortly after that weekend, my mom was led to have 7 godly women praying for me and my husband, the baby we were to adopt and the birth family. From March on, the Holy Spirit would lay things on my heart to pray for, and I would tell my mom, and she would send letters to the Praying 7 (we kept a set of those letters for my daughter). We were all praying very specifically, and God was working, but I just couldn't see it because I was in the middle of it. In August of 2000, my company moved me three hours away to do some training for about three months, so I was removed from my husband, friends and church, and that is when I hit rock bottom. I remember calling my mom at 10 PM and because she is a night owl, I knew she would be awake. I was bawling, crying, weeping, angry, mad, etc. "How can He expect me to call Him Father when He won't even answer my prayers. He knows that I want to be in His will, but He isn't showing me. I feel like I'm standing in the pitch dark on top of a post, and He's telling me to move to the next post, but I can't see it. He's telling me to take the next step and the post will be there and that if I don't move from the post on which I stand it will fall into the abyss. I throw a rock and never hear it hit bottom, so I put one foot out and feel nothing, but when I put my weight down, the next post appears." My mom, ever the calm one, listened to me rant and rave about how angry I was at God, and then she asked, "Kristy, are you having your quiet time?"

My mom tends to get to the heart of the matter. I asked her if she hadn't been listening. I wasn't talking to God. She informed me that a quiet time is when God talks to me. I knew that, but at that point I didn't care. I told her I hadn't brought my Bible. She assured me the good Gideons had left a Bible in my night stand. She instructed me to get up in the morning and have a quiet time, eat a good breakfast and healthy lunch and supper, take a vitamin and go work out at the gym. One thing I have learned is to listen to my parents, so the next morning, I begrudgingly opened the Gideon Bible to the Proverbs of the day and the first verse I read hit me between the eyes. It was Proverbs 29:1 talking about a stiff-necked fool...real subtle God, real subtle. I did what my momma told me to do, and I began feeling better, and began looking forward to the future which included going to an adoption agency orientation at the end of September of 2000. We were matched in four weeks, met the birth parents two weeks after that, and Erin was due at the end of December 2000, but wasn't born until January 5, 2001. To show you how awesome God is, my daughter was conceived and the Praying 7 began praying for her the week she was conceived. My sister says Erin was prayed into life.

Bottom line, I was so deep in the forest trying to find God's will for my life, searching for the baby He had chosen for us that I had taken my eyes off God himself. Depression is often spoken of as darkness. Could it be that when we allow anything to eclipse our vision of the Son the shadow that is cast takes away the joy we can feel when we are in the Light? You turn my wailing to dancing. Trading ashes for beauty.

Last year, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She underwent a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation, and to say that last year was a tough year would be a gross understatement. There were times when each of us would hit the wall and cry. It's okay to be sad, to grieve, to cry. It's healthy. It's cleansing. It's purifying. Fortunately, when one of use hit the wall, the others were able to keep going and encouraging. During each of my mom's chemo treatments, we planned a surprise. She finally caught on by the third go around. We wanted to give her something to anticipate to offset the dread. We had a tea party, one of her prior students read a poem I wrote about defeating round one of chemo, my sister made her a quilt with the grandkids pictures on it, etc. The very last chemo treatment, we were looking for a singing quartet to go and sing "Victory in Jesus" or something along those lines, but I couldn't find one we could afford. I called my worship pastor and he said he could get it lined up. My sister and I had never asked for permission to do any of the other things we had done, but we had gotten permission for the quartet. The night before my worship pastor calls saying it may be a little bigger than a quartet...there was enough for three quartets who showed up. He had put together a chorus book, scriptures to be read, and a CD of music for us to sing with. My mom finished her chemo when we were singing the words, "I sing for joy of the at the work of your hands, forever I love you, forever I stand. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you."

At the end of our singing, nurses had come up to join, patients, patients' family members were all singing about the joy at the work of God's hand. People, patients who were fighting for their lives. Nurses who saw death on a regular basis. Family members who dreaded the future may include the death of their loved one. All were singing and praising God. Putting their eyes on God and finding the joy.

Kristy

PS I promise my next blog will not be this long. I'm just catching up.

Preparing for the future

Preparing for the future in today's financial market is like gambling and throwing good money after bad. The best we can do is to live debt free as much as possible. But the future I'm referring to is the one God has given to me. I first became aware of it in 2005 when I was having lunch with someone who was miserable in her job, and He impressed upon my heart what He had in store for me. Since that time He has been making a way. Since that time He has been preparing me. He led me to my mentor, Julie, and my Father knew best when He paired me with her. I, not only endured but thrived last year 2007, when my mom was fighting Stage 3 breast cancer, and He changed my heart regarding the future He has for me. I wasn't exactly excited about it, but now I have a passion for it, but it still isn't time. I have to wait. Sometimes I don't like to wait (oh, who am I kidding?) -- I don't like to wait, but what I have discovered during this period of time is when He is making the way. He's clearing the way. Less work for me to do. Less hassle to deal with. Right now, He's making a way to my future. I've never written it down. I've never told anyone what God has impressed on my heart as to my future. Part of it has been out of fear, and the other part is because had I written it down before now or said it out loud I would be stepping on some one's toes. I don't believe the latter is the case now. Now it's just out of fear, but I feel I need to claim it in His name and start doing what I can to prepare myself for that future. This morning I called New Orleans Theological Seminary and requested them to send information regarding Women's Ministry Certificate and information regarding their Master's. I believe God is preparing a way for me to be Women's Ministry Leader at my church. My heart says as a full-time position, but that is just another facet I'll have to wait on the Lord. So there. There it is.

I'm use to God giving me messages for others. He has given me the gift of discernment and has on many occasions given me words and directions to others when they made no sense to me at all, but the recipient of the message understood fully. This time the message was for me. It's been for me, and it scares me. That's probably another reason my "professional BE" lost control during my meeting with my pastor regarding women's ministry (see prior blog).

What I can honestly say is that God will be the one opening the doors. He's the one who has made a way. I'm just to be prepared. He put a lot of ideas and concepts on my heart in the early morning hours many months ago. I gave them to my worship pastor, and I have kept a copy of the things He put on my heart. God's timing is perfect. His plan is perfect even when we aren't. And I am going to be ready.

BE

Since I have had a lot of time on my hands recently, and have not been allowed to do very much, I've had the opportunity to "be." Shakespeare said, "To be or not to be that is the question." For women in this day in time, the question is more like, "Who will I 'BE' today or at this moment? -- the managing mom, the consummate professional, the stable wife, the friend to many, a leader in the church, the faithful volunteer, and the list goes on. In Exodus, the Bible says, "Be still and know that I am God." Not "BE" the managing mom and know that I am God because when we try to manage things it gives us the illusion that we have power over control. Not "BE" the consummate professional and know that I am God, because when we are always professional we bind our hearts and prohibit ourselves from being God's hands and feet. Not "BE" the stable wife and know that I am God or any of the other labels we wear. He just wants us to "BE."

Before my surgery, I visited with my pastor about our lack of having a women's ministry because while I thoroughly love and enjoy and have fun at what I do for a living, God has put women's ministry as my passion. It has to be from God because it is not something I would have chosen for myself, I assure you. It was during this appointment that my "professional BE" was mowed down with the "BE." You see, when we can just "BE" and let God. Our transparency allows others to see what they need to see in us from God. I admit I cried in my pastor's office, and I admit it ticked me off. If I were to have a tear in my eye when I'm around the law enforcement guys, they would freak out. (Might be a funny experiment...but back on task.) My pastor saw my tears as tears of frustration (which that was part of it), and he also saw the passion that not only I have for women's ministry, but God's passion for women.

It's hard to live a transparent life. It's scary to live a transparent life because it requires us to be constantly vulnerable and we learn early on it's not good to be vulnerable because people will hurt you and use you. But it's in living the transparent life and the art of "BE" that others can see what God is wanting them to see of Himself. It reminds me of an e-mail I read recently. It talked about a person who was standing before Jesus, and the angels were bringing out quilts to represent each person's life. The person to one side had a beautiful patchwork with a few holes throughout it. The person to the other side had a few more holes and the fabric wasn't as vivid. Then the angel began to pull out the quilt that represented her life and she dropped her head. She had struggled in life with so many issues. She had failed and got back up again. She kept repenting and making herself anew, and the quilt reflected it. It had more holes than a fishnet. She was embarrassed and ashamed. Jesus came to stand before the quilt. His brilliance showed through and exposed every hole no matter how large or small, and He smiled at the woman. He said to her that during all those rough experiences when she leaned on Him, thought she failed, repented and got backup, it created a hole in the patchwork of her life which allowed the light of Christ to come through so all may see it. Now I'm paraphrasing the e-mail, but it really impacted me, and it goes back to the ability to just "BE."

I pray that you will be able to just "BE," and that your quilts will be holey.

A LIfe Worth Living

When I was in the eighth grade my family changed churches which was not my idea nor my vote. But it was my parents and God was in it. From this change, I became involved in a very active youth group at church. They kept us so busy we didn't have much time to find trouble. While at church I made several good friends, two of which were adopted. Their friendship was no accident. I believe God used them to prepare me and what He had predestined me to be...the mother of two adopted children.

One of those friends was in my wedding and we are still in touch today. As long as I can remember, she has been very affectionate and attentive. She and I use to do a lot together when we were in high school, and while I didn't cry a lot compared to her I cried buckets and streams full of tears. It hasn't been until recently that she finally has found her release valve. After trying to hold it all together using tape, glue, and the staples of life to cope, she finally broke. Everyone has their own issue or weakness. Mine is a mixture of failure and not being accepted. I've done a lot of work with God's direction and help, and even still, they can still raise their ugly heads. I'm so proud of her for going to get help. Too many people in my family choose to self-medicate and attempt to find things that will fix it or fill whatever void there is. The only answer to fixing the problem is to deal with it no matter how painful or unsettling the realities may be, and even then those who may have caused hurt may never take responsibility, and then we have to accept what has been dealt to us and choose how we will live the rest of our lives. For me, I choose to live in the here and now while preparing for the future. No matter how good our life looks from the outside the only one who know what is really going on inside is you and God and only He can heal.

I'm so thankful that He can heal and even more grateful the He wants to heal, so I can choose to live the life worth living in Him. To God be the glory.