First Day Back and It's Wonderful

This is my first day back to work after being off for 6 weeks. I have to admit I rather enjoyed being off the last few weeks and could get spoiled to that way of living (mind you I'd still want my income). And while I wasn't dreading coming back to work, I wasn't extremely over-joyed either.

I investigate insurance fraud, questionable insurance claims of all varieties arsons, bodily injury claims, staged accidents, medical provider fraud, etc. If you were to meet me in person and get to know me without knowing what I do for a living, you would laugh because I don't "appear" to be the sort to do this type of work, but I am a natural at it and have a blast doing it. I am blessed because I absolutely love what I do and the people I work with and the results I get. This morning, my FBI agent told the chiropractor and his wife who I have investigated for years was indicted at the end of October for 73 counts in the federal system. Most of those indictments are from investigations done by me and my company. Can we say WOOOHOOO!!!!! What a buzz! What a high! I love it when we can get the bad guy.

Now, I found out that the state police are going to be handing one of my investigations of another medical provider over to that same FBI agent. We'll see how it goes. In order for me to get the chiro indicted I had to light a fire under some behinds before it got to this point. I am tenacious if nothing else. Thankfully, my energy has held out for this long. We'll see how hard I crater at the end of the day.

This is a day in my life at work. I'm about to head to an impromptu meeting with the FBI and LSP to discuss a medical provider who needs to be indicted and put in jail. I feel like I should be jumping for joy.

It's days like this that make me question my future. I know I'm to lead women's ministry at my church, and I've known it for some time. I know there will be trials and difficulties with that ministry getting started, and here I am enjoying a career I excel in. I must be nuts! Down right crazy! But it is better to be in the service of the Lord than out of His will, and He will change my heart, excitement and energy to that course when the time comes.

Now, after leaving a victorious day at work, I have picked up my kids. We had to stop by Brookshires which is where there is normally a fight as to who will drive the little buggy to collect the small number of items needed, but not today. Erin offers to carry the list so Pearce can drive the buggy. Pearce and Erin are so incredibly polite to one another, using 'please' and 'thank you.' They are complementing one another and saying 'good job.' HAVE I ENTERED THE TWILIGHT ZONE? This continues all night. A pleasant and even enjoyable meal. They played well with one another laughing and everything. IS THERE A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT? At supper tonight, I told them how much I appreciated their behavior and their good choices today and how proud I was of them.

NOW...what will things be like once Patrick makes it home? HMMMM.

Thank you, Lord, for a glorious day!

Ch 8 -- We are completely loved and accepted completely

God's timing is perfect. The timing of this chapter in my life is perfect.


I was raised in a very conservative, Southern Baptist home, and my parents took me to church every time the doors were open whether I thought I needed it or not (Thank you Lord for godly parents). I also attended a Christian school from kindergarten through high school. It was at school that I felt that God was all about discipline and damnation. I learned of God's harshness and how everything is either right or wrong. The results, a lot of kids rebelled and were turned off from the church rarely to darken the door even now. Some kids like me lived in fear of failure and condemnation. I have to admit it made me stronger because I bucked up to it and towed the line, but it hasn't been until recently that I have been willing to accept God's love unconditionally. I have had an amazing walk with God with peaks and valleys, and He has proved Himself over and over again to me throughout my whole life. He took me and my husband through such a journey just to become parents and has restored my marriage on more than one occasion. And yet, here I am at 38 really feeling, learning, and accepting His love. It started when I read The Shack by William Young, and when the main character returned to the shack and met God. It was such a healing book, and I didn't know that I needed healing.

The Bible said there's no greater love than this that a man should lay down his life for his friends. If God, knowing that I was going to royally screw up in my life from time-to-time and that I was going to need redeeming, decided to sacrifice His son for me before I was even created and yet He created me anyway, does that not speak volumes as to His love? His love cannot be measured. It's incomprehensible to me at times. "I could sing of your love forever. I could sing of your love forever."

I have been loved by my wonderful godly parents, and I love my husband and children dearly, but in my life next to God's demonstration of love, there are two women who have shown what sacrificial love truly is. These women are the birth mothers to my beautiful children. One I've never even met, and the other allowed me in the delivery room when our daughter was born. It was the most gut-wrenching event when she had to place Erin in Patrick's arms and leave the agency without her. People tell me that they could never place their child for adoption, and yet, birth moms and dads make the choice to give life to their children and bravely, boldly, and lovingly choose a better life for their child. That sacrificial love is rare, and I am doubly blessed as are my children for the selfless act. God made that same choice for His Son. The only difference is God knew in advance His Son would pay the highest price in order to show us His love, His sacrificial and redeeming love. Birth parents place their children for adoption to give those children hope and the possibility at a better future, but God gave His Son to Joseph and Mary and all humanity knowing -- HE KNEW -- He would be brutally sacrificed so we would KNOW -- not hope for a better future, we would KNOW that He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11). Plans that include hope and a future in Him the One who loves us without strings or conditions or limitations. He loves us despite of ourselves, and there is great freedom in that.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent.

Lisa wrote, "God's love is without pretense, without conditions, and without limits. His love feels good the night before, the morning after, and every time in between. It is like water to a thirsty soul, food to a hungry heart, and freedom to a confined prisoner. It is nothing short of amazing, and I am constantly amazed by it. I cannot believe He loves me like He does..." This is what I have been learning this whole year. Could not have said it better myself. You know, I looked to my husband for love, and while he loves me, it isn't always the way I want to be loved, and to be honest, he's human. He's going to screw up like I do. I cannot expect him to fill the need only God can fill.

Acceptance -- here is another area this chapter has had perfect timing in my life. Since being off from work for 6 weeks recovering from a partial hysterectomy God has been laying some things on my heart that requires action. One of them is, for lack of a better term, a charm school for girls in the 3rd through the 5th grade. Keep reading. I'm not talking southern belle stuff. If you knew me, I'm more of the Steele Magnolia sort. It is my sincere desire to find a curriculum or create a curriculum that focuses on manners, physical changes and acceptance, and spiritual. I want these girls to know their value comes from God. Lisa sited Jeremiah 1:5: "Before I formed you in the womb I KNEW you, before you were born I set you apart." THANK YOU, JESUS! Psalms 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I pray you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." God does not consider a life a choice, nor does He consider the work He is doing in a woman's womb, a choice. For those who have struggled with fertility issues, we may be keenly more aware or more sensitive to how miraculous pregnancy and the creation of a life is. Your life is. You are precious in His sight. The creation of a human being and a healthy delivery is truly a miracle. If a baby makes it through delivery, they are already over-comers.

I want these girls to not only accept themselves but to accept others the way God made them. He takes His time to knit them together -- do you realize knitting requires hands? God's hands? Do you realize that knitting takes time, patience, and He uses those terms only when talking about the human race. I haven't found in the Bible where He does that with any other living thing on this planet. I want these girls to know how precious they are to God and to not believe what the world and Satan are selling which is women have to be toothpicks to be beautiful; to be popular is the goal and will make you happy; to have the designer toy, etc, will make you fit in and belong. HOGWASH! I have a 7 year-old, little girl named Erin, and Wednesday night on the way home from church after having some special mommy-daughter time before, I told her I was so thankful that God created her so wonderfully. She told me she didn't think so. She told me she wanted to be thinner! SHE IS 7! And Satan has already started feeding her the lie.


We don't have to do one thing to be accepted or loved by God. He loves us despite ourselves. We just have to be willing to allow Him into our hearts to work.

One more thing before I close. Last year when my mom was going through a grueling round of chemo to fight Stage 3 breast cancer, my worship pastor went to visit her. He asked her if there was anything, anything at all he could do for her. My mom said that there really wasn't. She said, "It's enough to know that Jesus loves me." Why would God send His Son to the cross all those years ago just to harm my mom now? He wouldn't. He's not cruel. One of the most valuable lessons my family learned last year was the love of God and how He uses other Christians to do His loving for Him.

I hope the little girl in you will sing: Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. Little ones (God's children) to Him belong. They (we) are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.

My prayer is that we have the courage to leave our fear and insecurities and jealousies at the feet of Jesus and that we willingly accept the loving arms of God around us and the Spirit's gentle hands around are hearts. And then, my prayer is that we emanate God's love to those around us, accept them as they are, and lead them to the One who loves like no one else every can.

My Daughter

My sister says that my daughter was prayed into existence (Erin's story can be found in my first blog -- A Little History) which means I have a huge job on my hands, and so often I feel that I fail or I'm not doing what needs to be done by her. God has given her such a precious, compassionate heart for all living things all the way down to the crickets (she released my husband's bait on a camping trip after she saw what he was using them for). She has a heart to share with others the love of Jesus, but for all the outgoing and bubbliness of the little girl who is my daughter, I'm seeing now she through her drama, through her words, and through her actions she doesn't value herself the way God does. I'm taking her to see a Christian counselor tonight so she can talk about her bad dreams, her nightmares, and now, I'm going to bring up her self-image.

Yesterday, I picked Erin up after school for an afternoon of just her and me to celebrate her "anniversary" until church began. Erin's adoption was finalized on October 26, 2001. Patrick and I had bought a special outfit for her earlier in the day to commemorate. Erin and I went shopping for her fall shoes and we visited my grandmother and another elderly lady at a nursing home. Erin was expressive and energetic and excited. She had a wonderful time at church and Awana's. It was on the ride home when I was past the point of exhaustion that I said, "Erin, I am so glad that God made you the way you are. He made you perfectly the way He designed you to be you." My seven year old daughter told me she didn't think her body was all that perfect. She said she wanted to be skinnier! SHE IS 7! Broke my heart that Satan had already wormed his way into this part of her life.

My conversation with her that followed was about how we are all made differently but made in God's image. "Look at the Cheetah Girls," I said, "they don't all look alike. They are all built differently." I explained that God made Erin's body the way it is for a reason. We just have to figure out what that reason is. I also told her that come high school she is going to have curves and the boys are going to be calling and I'm going to have to knock some heads of those boys too. I said she is still growing. God is still making her into the one He wants her to be.

I believe Erin's love language is Words of Affirmation. I have to step up my A game because Satan is doing better, but I refuse to allow this little girl to think less of who she is. God has big plans for Erin. It would not surprise me if she was called to be a missionairy. It would not surprise me if God used her ability to entertain and make people laugh to draw them closer to Him. She has a calling for her life.

For several weeks God has been placing on my heart a strong desire to set up a "charm" school of sorts at our Christian school in Shreveport, but unlike "charm" schools as in years past, there would be a time to learn about manners, a time to learn about their bodies and behavior, and a time to learn where they get their values from. I had already talked to the children's pastor and several moms who are more than eager to get this off the ground. My goal is to find or develop a program and have it implemented by Spring 2010. The future of our little girls are at stake, and if we can raise a group of girls who will back each other up, who will encourage one another even though they are different, who can accept each other's differences, and who know not only where their value comes from but Whose they are, maybe just maybe some things in our society will change.

My daughter wears anywhere from a size 12 to 14 in children's clothes, and do you know that it is hard to find little girl clothes that don't look like "hoochie momma" (as my 4 year old son would say). Modesty and self-respect go a long way with little girls who mature into young ladies and who develop into virtuous women. Lord knows, our homes, our churches and our society need for us to raise them up right.

It's time to fight! Fight for our daughters.

Forgotten Joys Renewed

Do you remember riding your bicycle without a helmet?

Do you remember standing up in the back floorboard of your parent's car?

Do you remember riding with the windows down on the car and sticking your head or hands out the window?

Do you remember sleeping with your windows open?

Do you remember visiting your grandparents as a small child?

Do you remember going to Vacation Bible School as a small child and the joy it brought you?

Do you remember shelling peas till your fingers turned purple?

Do you remember shucking corn till your hands were so tired you couldn't grip?

Do you remember feeling the cool dirt as you walked barefooted down trails or played outside?

Do you remember dancing in the rain and making mud pies?

I remember my mom cleaning the 12 by 60 trailer we live in for about 10 years. When the weather was cool, she'd raise the windows, turn on her favorite Christian record that included "The Doxology" and some other songs. She'd have on a duster and this brown thing on her head. The house smelled of cleaning fluids and sounded of Christian anthems. That is a warm fuzzy for me.

I remember the four of us, my mom, dad, sister and myself, sitting around the kitchen table playing a game called Paddle Ball, and laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my face.

Oh, and I remember during the summer, my parents would invite some of their friends to our house for cake and coffee after evening worship. Lori, my sister and I, could sit and listen to my dad tell his stories that had our guests gasping for air, and even though we had heard them so many times we could recite them in our sleep, we too were laughing heartily.

I get so busy and so stressed with work and life that sometimes I miss those little joys. This is my last week off work, and I was reminded today of the joys of my childhood through the eyes of my children. I am so thankful for this time. Thank you Lord Jesus for precious memories.

THE BOY

One of the things I have missed over the past few weeks since my surgery is the boy, MY boy. I haven't been able to rough-house with him like I normally would. He is a riot. (He is currently pusing the buttons on my laptop with his face. I've had to retype a few sentences.) He is full of life and energy, and when he laughs it is contagious! And I know I'm a bit partial, but he is JUST BEAUTIFUL! We are in the process of teaching him the manners of a gentleman...he opens the car door for me this morning, he opens the doors at school for the teachers and girls (even though his girl cousins like to hold the door open because it's considered a priviledge to get that assignment in class). You know, there are things you don't have to teach a boy however -- how to burp, how to aggravate another sibling, especially a sister, how to maximize the most out of a mud puddle, how to take apart things, how to make car noises, or how to use other toys as weapons, or how to love on their momma (even though Pearce is definitely not a momma's boy).

He just came over to me and raised his shirt, I get to have a big, fat zerber with the bonus of his belly laugh.

What got me on this tear to begin with was Pearce playing on his hand-me-down, pink and purple Leapster (he is very sure of his manhood. He's the only 4 year-old I know with a moustache!). He explained to me that should I need to talk to him, I'd have to ask him first. I asked how should I do that if I'm not allowed to talk to him? He chuckled and said, "Just ask." "But then I'll be speaking to you," and it just went downhill from there. One thing led to another and before I knew it I had been tackled.

There are days that Pearce is more than a handful. He's strong-willed and energetic (the answer to my mother's prayers), and he is just over-flowing the cup with himself. These are the days I refer to him as THE BOY. When I receive a call from preschool about Pearce hitting someone or something, there is a principal over the high school who is family. I call, leave a message that goes something like this, "Mr. Rodney, would you please go see THE BOY. He's done (fill in the blank), and I think he really needs a man to speak to him." I don't even have to tell him who I am or who THE BOY is!

Before adopting MY BOY, I never knew how that three-letter word was so expansive as to cover such a vast amount of information, material and action, but there is nothing like the presence of a little boy in your life to infuse it with energy and excitement and adventure.

Thank God for little boys. Amen and amen.

PS I'll have do a blog on little girls another time, but this time was about the one who currently calls me "big momma" (for what reason, I don't know, but then again, he doesn't have to have a reason.). ;>

Big Momma is Cleaning House

Many have heard of spring cleaning, but at my house we have spring and fall cleaning, and it was this weekend. I have recovered from my surgery to a certain degree and with frequent rests I was ready to tackle it. I had cleaned out my closet -- not to the extent I would have liked, but I tried it a couple of weekends ago. The cleansing for this weekend started yesterday with stripping down the beds, and as I was bending over and the waist putting the sheets on my four year old son's bed, he walks in and says, "Watcha doin' big momma?" Yes, I thought it was funny. He's also been known to ask me if a woman he sees in public is a "hoochie momma." A sense of humor is a must when raising kids because it wasn't long after the big momma remark that Pearce had one of his meltdowns.

At any rate, the house for the most part has been cleaned, and this evening's agenda? The daunting task of cleaning out the kids rooms. I clean out summer clothes, put them in tubs to be used for hand-me-downs, supply the closet with fall and winter clothes, inventory what is needed, and then I clean their closets out of the ridiculous toys from Sonic, trivial toys of no value, or toys that Pearce has taken apart. I don't know how he can dismantle little cars, toys, books, and flashlights which are his specialty. Right up until the last hurricane, we didn't have one working flashlight in the house. We found one that was missing the springs that held the batteries, one was missing the bulb, one was missing the back that held the batteries in place, and yet another was missing the batteries and the lens. We have now hidden a cache of flashlights and pray he can't manipulate the chairs to get to them. In Pearce's room, I also found a transformer that had been taken apart, tires removed from the wheels of cars, and puzzle pieces that had been used for other things.

In Erin's closet I found a stack of papers plates and some unused q-tips. She keeps the most minute items and covets them as being precious belongings. We lightened her load by taking 1/2 of her stuffed animals to take to church to donate to an orphanage in Guatemala. By the time, I got threw there were 2 garbage bags of what I considered trash.

They are so creative to use toys they have and make them into something altogether different. Granted, when we want to complete a puzzle we are inevitably missing at least 1 piece. But all the toys have been put in their proper home. We have collected toys that haven't been played with in order to donate. I take Erin to the Shreveport Rescue Mission to deliver the toys. I want her to know there are people with so much less and we need to be careful to be grateful for what we have.

One of Erin's new (hand-me-down) nightgowns is a pink, satin, dreamy gown. She has been floating around the house claiming to be a fairy blowing us kisses as she says good-night. She informed me that fairy's don't sleep with nightlights or with their doors open, so she does not need me to do those for her tonight nor does she need me to check on her. I assure her that I would not leave her door open or turn on her nightlight, but it was my prerogative to check on her as I am her mother. What a riot!

Oh, the joys of parenting!

Chapter 6 - 7 Behind Those Eyes

We make judgments about people every day based on what we see and hear. It's part of what I do for a living. I'm trained to look at people, cut through what they want me to see, and to get down to the meat of the matter, but when it comes to the spirituality of someone else, PLEASE! If we focused on our own relationship during that time wasted pondering someone else's appearance, how much further would we be? This means it would give more time for the reflection to turn on ourselves, cut through what I was putting up for others to see and get down to the meat of the matter.




Did you know that when a person lies the body has an automatic adverse reaction? I know this because I look for these when I'm interviewing someone at work and sometimes with people in general. The pulse quickens. There is the fight or flight syndrome -- do I flee from the source of my stress or do I fight it? The stomach tightens. Maintaining this lifestyle leads to digestive issues and ulcers and worry. Is it any wonder the Bible refers to the Belt of Truth? It girds our waist and stomach area that becomes bloated by our consistent swallowing and telling of lies. It can also be cinched back when we take an honest look and be truthful...but it's not necessarily easy, pleasant, or comfortable. Especially when we've swallowed so many of Satan's lies.




Why are we so willing to swallow Satan's lies? What are we wanting to cover up? Why are we so eager to accept lies as truth? Lack of depth? Lack of faith? Lack of enough faith? There can be such liberation and sweet freedom in living in the truth, but getting to that point is a painful journey.

Lisa Whittle talks about the Cover up:

Insecurity -- masked as drama at my house. My husband and daughter are the drama people, and typically, the drama is taken to a new level the higher the insecurity. I'm just now figuring this out. DUH! Now I just have to figure out the best way to cut through the drama to address the insecurity and encourage and strengthen the best way I can, and pray for them in a different way. This is not to say that I don't have insecurities it's just that is what was revealed to me during this quiet time. After all, I am considering a drastic career change in the next year or so...who wouldn't be insecure about that?

Jealousy -- I am very much like one of the authors Lisa Whittle quoted and talked about. I work in a male-dominated field, and have preferred it to working with women because of the trivial, non-sense some women put out there. But God has blessed me with some truly wonderful girlfriends, and now He has put a passion on my heart for women's ministry. It has to be from Him because this isn't something I would have volunteered for. I believed God has used my girlfriends to show me how relationships with other women can be. It doesn't have to be petty. It can be complementary like Lisa's relationship with Colleen. I am so thankful for my girlfriends who compliment my life, and I pray that I compliment there's as well.




Loneliness -- There is a difference between loneliness and being alone. Loneliness sounds to me like someone is craving contact, wanting to be seen, heard, and held but not succeeding in having those needs met. While I have been lonely even in my marriage at times because I was looking to my spouse to fill a need that was meant for God to fill, it's those who live in loneliness that scare me, like I'm going to be sucked into the vacuum of their life. It has happened to me before, and I got hurt badly by her. I feel for those who are stuck in loneliness.




Being alone, for me, is more of a choice. I have to admit I have gone to the woods in a travel trailer for several days by myself to be alone, to be without children, husband, work, responsibility -- it was the most rejuvenating and life-giving time for me. I loved it, and I am thankful I was allowed that luxury.




Fear -- Some people think the opposite of peace is chaos, but in reality, it's fear. Fear and peace cannot coexist happily together like childhood chums.

I am claustrophobic, and in March of this year, a girlfriend invited me to go to Italy to see a friend. While there, we ventured to several other cities in Italy. It was while we were in Rome that my girlfriend got to see my claustrophobia in full swing. We got into an elevator the size of a coffin in order to go up to our flat. Truly there was only room for 2 people if they were standing in line like school children. My girlfriend was in front and when we got to our floor in my heart I was praising God I had survived and could finally exhale, but after sliding back the first door, she began to try to open the second which would let us out of our coffin. The second door would not open. I tried. We banged on it. We pushed the second floor button again, but there was nothing. Then we heard a rather large, loud Italian man on the other side of the door yelling in Italian at us. He wasn't angry but seemed to become more passionate about what he was saying as my panic went off the charts. We called the host who said he was on his way. Then Cheri, my girlfriend, pushed the button for the first floor. When we got down there the door opened and I was free. Free from my fear, my panic and the coffin! I never took that elevator again. It was the only time Cheri has ever seen me wig-out. There was no peace for me in that elevator only fear -- no matter how unrealistic my fear was, it was real to me. When fear gets a grip on us, no matter what that fear may be, it affects our thinking. It prevents us from thinking accurately and clearly. Had we just pushed the first floor button after realizing the door wouldn't open, I would have been out of that contraption, that predicament in a minute, but instead, I was in that elevator for what seemed to be a minimum of 15 minutes! Fear can be paralyzing and prevent us from doing what we need or should be doing.




I am so grateful that our loving Lord and Savior sees through our defenses, scams, and lies to see the heart of the matter and loves us regardless. He's willing to lovingly remove these "barnacles" as a friend of mine has called them, and heal us completely without guilt and shame. As a matter of fact, God knew what we were going to do before we were conceived and He created us anyway. He knew before we were conceived that we were going to need redemption causing His only Son to have to shed His own blood, and He created us anyway. And not only did He create us despite all that, He loves us in all our humanity. He loves us. Hallelujah, Thank you, Jesus!